The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 105 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 15 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Oh thank you, Scooter, it'll be so wonderful to do the show with you guys." Scooter: "I know, it's super exciting, but let's hope no ping-pong balls come bouncing down in here." Suddenly, an entire bunch of ping-pong balls come bouncing down in the Guest Star's dressing room. Scooter: "I think I spoke way too soon." Kermit appears right through The All-New Muppet Show logo.......... Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Annie Potts, yaaaaaaay!" [The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Rowlf: On Piano Keys Continues In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: i''t's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight'' Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler: to have to watch the show Continues Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirtational, celebrational, Muppet-ational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show......... Of A Chimpanzee Screeching Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, tonight's a very special night for all of us 'cause our very special guest is Miss (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, she's been in Ghostbusters, Crimes of Passion, Toy Story, Toy Story 2 and Toy Story 4, but 1st, it's time for the opening musical number." Bunsen and Beaker show up onstage. Bunsen: "Oh, Kermit, there you are, I just want you to know that Beaker and I have just finished our new invention: the Slumber-Tronic 800, so you'd better make sure nobody goes near it, 'cause otherwise they'd fall right in a deep slumber." Kermit: "Oh thanks a bunch, Dr. Honeydew, I wouldn't want any of that to happen." Bunsen: "Come on, Beaker, let's go backstage, please." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee, mee." Kermit: "Anyway, it's time for me and Piggy to do our opening musical number." Opening Musical number: Love Survives Rowlf: On Piano Keys Rowlf: Playing On Piano Keys Miss Piggy: Now I know you're safe here in my heart you will always be with me we'll never be apart Kermit: never knew how strong my love could be you're the 1 I've waited for now you're home I believe Kermit and Miss Piggy: love survives beyond our lives Miss Piggy: I feel those times growing stronger Kermit: growing stronger Kermit and Miss Piggy: love survives the tears we cried yes love yes love survives it all yes love survives it all love survives it all Continues Kermit: even when we want to run and hide love comes in to pull us through from deep inside Miss Piggy: oh the magic Kermit: the magic Miss Piggy: has made us who we are Kermit: who we are Miss Piggy: don't you see we've come so far take my hand you made me understand Kermit and Miss Piggy: love survives beyond our lives Miss Piggy: I feel those times growing stronger Kermit: growing stronger Kermit and Miss Piggy: love survives the tears we cried yes love '' ''yes love survives it all yes love survives it all Continues Again Kermit and Miss Piggy: love survives beyond our lives Miss Piggy: oh I feel those times growing stronger Kermit: growing stronger Kermit and Miss Piggy: love survives the tears we cried yes love yes love survives it all yes love survives it all love survives it al''l........ Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Waldorf: "Tell me, Statler, does this song remind you of anything?" Statler: "Well, it sort of reminds me of the September 11th memorial ceremony, what does that song remind you of?" Waldorf: "The good times with me and my beautiful wife, Astoria." Statler: "That sure makes her the lucky woman in town." Waldorf: "''Lucky number 13!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: A snake in a can on the librarian's desk Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, just a few more steps, perfect, there you go." Beauregard: "But I didn't do it, Patrol Bear, it must've been a prank master who did it." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Tell me, what seems to be the trouble here, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young man snuck up on the librarian and put a snake in a can on her desk." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh, I see, tell me your name, please." Beauregard: "I'm Beauregard, the stage manager of the Muppet Theater, and I'm innocent, I would never put a snake in a can on somebody's desk." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Beauregard's name written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "You're right, you're innocent after all, so, Patrol Bear, you can let him go right now." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Fozzie/Patrol Bear releases Beauregard from the handcuffs. Beauregard: "Oh thanks a bunch, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "You're welcome." Talk Spot Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), how did you do on voicing Bo Peep in Toy Story, Toy Story 2 and Toy Story 4?" Guest Star: "Well, you guys, I did real good at performing her voice in those movie series, but it's too bad she never appeared in Toy Story 3, 'cause I was too busy doing other movies to voice her again." Walter: "Wow, that's too bad, but at least Bo Peep returned in Toy Story 4 by the way." Bunsen and Beaker show up with the Slumber-Tronic 800. Bunsen: "Oh good news, my dear good friends, you're just in time to see the Slumber-Tronic 800, (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, pull that lever." Beaker: Mee, mee! Beaker pulls down the lever, and Scooter falls right into a deep slumber. Scooter: Lightly Fozzie: "Oh my gosh, I don't believe this!" Gonzo: "Scooter's fallen right into a deep slumber!" Skeeter: "Somebody try to wake my twin brother up right away!" The Swedish Chef Sketch number: Beef and cheese tacos Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn '' ''bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tunight, ve-a're-a mekeeng beeff und cheese-a tecus, vhet a night fur zeem eet ees." The Swedish Chef sets out 3 paper plates. Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a get oooot three-a heeted up sufft turtille." The Swedish Chef gets out 3 heated up soft shell tortillas and puts them on the 3 paper plates. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a leene-a up sume-a vell cuuked hemboorger beeff oon zee turteelles." The Swedish Chef lines up the well cooked hamburger beef on the tortillas. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot oon sume-a shredded Mexeecun cheese-a." The Swedish Chef puts the shredded Mexican cheese on top of the hamburger beef part. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot in sume-a yelloo reece-a." The Swedish Chef puts some yellow rice on the beef and cheese parts. Swedish Chef: "Und lest boot nut leest, ve-a tup it ooffff veet meeld tecu sooce-a." The Swedish Chef tops it off with mild taco sauce, then wraps them up completely. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it: beeff und cheese-a tecus oon zee gu." The 3 beef and cheese tacos come to life and begin making jokes at 1 another. Beef and Cheese Taco number 1: "Why did the duck cross the road?" Beef and Cheese Taco number 2: "I don't know, why did he?" Beef and Cheese Taco number 1: "'Cause the chicken took a vacation!" Beef and Cheese Taco number 3: "That's real hilarious!" Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again............ Statler: "You know, Waldorf, I used to be a Mexican waiter at a Mexican Diner." Waldorf: "Oh, really? so did I." Statler: "Beef and cheese tacos on the go." Waldorf: "Hold the taco sauce!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Giant Space Monster attacking Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Boy, it sure is nice and peaceful around here." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "It sure is, and I bet Dr. Strangepork has come up with another invention idea." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, check out my new invention: the Bubble Trap 400." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Oh my gosh, that's wonderful." Link Hogthrob: "How does it work?" Dr. Strangepork: "WIth the push of this red button, it creates real giant bubbles to trap giant space monsters." Link Hogthrob: "In fact, here comes a giant space monster right now!" Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What the-" Fozzie comes in dressed up as a giant green space monster. Fozzie/Giant Space Monster: Monster Sound Effects Dr. Strangepork: "Stand back, everybody, the Bubble Trap 400 will come in handy." Dr. Strangepork releases a giant bubble and traps Fozzie/the Giant Space Monster. Fozzie/Giant Space Monster: "Hey, what gives?" Link Hogthrob: "Nice work, Dr. Strangepork." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "That oughta hold him back." Fozzie/Giant Space Monster: "Hey, I'm beginning to fly around all over the place!" Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep another giant space monster in control? will Captain Link Hogthrob ever report for duty? does 1st Mate Piggy still have her beauty looks? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Muppet News Flash: Space robots invasion Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: "This just in, there's been reports about an invasion of space robots, they're all over the entire city town, so you'd best be on the look out for when they show up." Suddenly, an army of space robots begin marching right into the news room. Newsman: "I think I must've spoke too soon." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Gonzo as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So then I said 'Stop complaining, you've got 8 more of them, haven't you?' it was a riot." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you're terrible horrible." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "And for once, she's not speaking about your medical skills." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Now then--is there anything you'd like me to cut off?" Gonzo/Patient: "What...? no, no, Dr., I have terrible pains in my knee caps." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Hmm....they sound alright to me, that's an F sharp, isn't it?" Fozzie/Patient: "H-How can you possibly tell?" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Dr. Bob has perfect pitch, so if your room ever needs re-sealing, you know who to call." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Tell you what--I'll give you some cream to rub on twice daily." Gonzo/Patient: "On my knee caps?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "No, you can stand up if you wanna." Announcer: "Will Nurse Piggy tell Dr. Bob that he's just given his patient a pot of industrial strength glue? will Nurse Janice yet learn to play the spoons? does Dr. Bob still have the cereal box in which he found his medical degree? tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, have you got any advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Yes, of course, a little chickory can make coffee taste much smoother." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I used to get plain ill conditions in my entire life." Statler: "What kind of meds did you take for that?" Waldorf: "A dosage of pain killer pills." Statler: "Don't rate the pain!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Muppet Sports sketch number: apple juggling Louis Kazagger: "Welcome again, everybody, to the wild world of Muppet Sports, where I've heard that 1 of the contestants is about to juggle red and green apples." The camera zooms in on Fozzie, who's about to juggle the red and green apples. Sound Fozzie begins juggling the red and green apples without dropping them on the ground. Louis Kazagger: "And he's juggling, will he succeed? will he win?" Fozzie continues juggling the red and green apples 'til he wins the contest and succeeds. Louis Kazagger: "He did it, he succeeded, he won the contest!" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Statler: "So, Waldorf, have you ever juggled in a circus before?" Waldorf: "Well, I used to, back in our younger years, we used to juggle plums and bell peppers." Statler: "Long live the king of the circus!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Meep Translator Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, (brief pause), that's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Meep Translator." (Another Brief Pause) Bunsen: "Have you ever wished to understand what Beaker is saying to you? well, the Meep Translator can translate Beaker's meep language in plain English language, which of course, my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now give it a try, (he turns over to Beaker), go ahead, Beaker, give it a go." Beaker pushes the green button on the Meep Translator. Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee, mee." The meeps are translated into the words: "Alright, here we go." Bunsen: "Good, Beaker, very good." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mee, mo, mee, mo, mee." The meeps are translated into the words: "I don't like where this is going." Bunsen: "Splendid, well done." The machine suddenly goes crazy, and Beaker faints to the floor. Bunsen: "I wonder where Beaker went, oh well, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again............ Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once used a French language translator." Statler: "Oh, really? well I once used a Spanish language translator." Waldorf: "I even used a Japanese language translator." Statler: "Language of comedy and laughter!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for our closing musical number." Closing Musical number: Imagine (Muppets version) Rowlf: On Piano Keys Kermit: Imagine there's no heaven it's easy if you try no heck below us above us only sky '' Gonzo: ''imagine all the people livin' for today '' Scooter: ''imagine there's no countries it isn't hard to do nothing to kill or die for and no religion too '' Robin: ''imagine all the people livin' life in peace '' Fozzie: ''you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only 1 I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as 1'' Rowlf: ''imagine no possessions I wonder if you can no need for greed or hunger a brotherhood of man '' Beauregard: ''imagine all the people sharin' all the world '' Scooter: ''you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only 1 I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as 1.......'' Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........ Waldorf: "Well, Statler, this song is perfectly good, I think they should go on American Idol or America's Got Talent." Statler: "Well I think they should put up a talent show more often." Waldorf: "Music' to our 'ears'!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the guest star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, you were such a wonderful audience tonight, and thankfully, Scooter's finally awake from his deep slumber, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage......... Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Kermit and good friends, it's been so wonderful being on the show with you guys tonight." Kermit: "Well, we really appreciate it, (Guest Star's 1st Name), it was super exciting." Bunsen and Beaker arrive onstage. Bunsen: "Excuse me, but I think Beaker and I would get offstage to invent an awakening spray potion if we were you guys." Scooter: "Why's that, Dr. Honeydew?" Bunsen: "Animal, the drummer of the Electric Mayhem band, has just fallen into a deep slumber." Kermit, Walter and the others look around to see that Animal is fast asleep. Kermit: "Good grief, I don't believe this, but we'll see you next time on ''The All-New Muppet Show." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts